Happy (belated) Birthday brain bleed! It seems I've been posting every now and again for over a full year. I really thought it had only been a few months. While I was officially NOT doing my work today, I found this interview with Adrian Tomine on bookslut. I haven't read Optic Nerve in years, but I remember giving away multiple copies of 32 stories because I felt my friends NEEDED to read it.

How sad and wrong is it to take advantage of the incredibly difficult housing situation in NYC? There are so many crimes to choose from! I charged two-thirds of my rent for a (maybe) 5x7 room in my railroad tenement that I cut through to use the toilet. At least my roommates over the years chose that particular indignity. Yesterday, my boyfriend and a friend, who has posted on craigslist for potential roommates for her oh-so-punk, exceedingly dingy Williamsburg place, decided to start videotaping the interviews. Surreptitiously, of course. But how entertaining does this whole little exercise become, when the bass player from a one-hit-wonder band shows up to check out the space and starts talking about the b-list celebs he hung out with the night before? And how he woke up sans cash & cellphone? hehehe, I'm so easily amused.

I set up a webcam at work! It was up for quite awhile before any of the staff even noticed. So glad they are an observant and responsible bunch! So it is actually not completely public, basically only you & I know the link [edited 1/15/04 to add: sorry kids, the link is no longer active, so I have removed it]. But for those of my friends who have been sending me the "I'm worried, are you still alive?" emails, now you can check in on me anytime you please.

My other current timewasting obsession is my listing on keen/niteflirt. Uh-oh I just put links to both of my jobs in one entry on my anonymous blog! Whatever, since I've only ever gotten 2 comments on the damn thing and all search engine inquiries that end up here are people actually looking for info on bleeding brains (not of the zombie variety), I'm not all that concerned. After all I'm obviously some attention/recgnition seeking loser anyway, right? Want to hear a little confession? I edited my bio page on the shop's site to include my whole name because I was dissatisfied with the results I got when I googled myself.

Wow, I just heard about something very sad. Elliot Smith killed himself. I just put on Needle in the Hay, his music never depressed me, I found it, just maybe vaguely hypnotizing. Excellent background/soundtrack music.

As per usual, I've been deeply neglectful in my blogging duties. I'm still going to OA meetings, but am somewhere deep in a relapse. Last night I bought a box of Entenmanns eclairs and started eating them on my walk home. But I actually did not log on to whine about my relationship with food. I was properly wasting time at work when I googled crayola for a listing of colors and at their site I discovered that you can order a-discontinued (retired) colors and b-a whole box of any color you want! How cool is that?!?! Just wanted to share.

I have cried about food so many times in the last week. This weekend was particularly fraught with moments. On Saturday I ate brunch with my sponsor in the West Village and met C at Old Devil Moon afterward, where he was eating our typical fisherman's breakfast. I had just eaten less than three hours prior. I was not hungry. However, sitting in a restaurant, not eating and watching C's biscuit ritual proved to be more than I could handle calmly. Each spoonful of peach preserves that he spread across the biscuit bothered me more. The craving and desire for that food was so intense that I started to shake. I actually had to get up and walk out of the restaurant. I felt insane. It was a fucking biscuit with peach preserves. So I sat outside and was about to make some OA calls so I could share my insanity, but then the shop called my phone and I had to bring it in to C. I went back out and looked at my meeting list and planned out which ones I would go to this week. That was enough. I didn't go to the bakery across the street, but mind you I was well aware it was there.

Today I have seven days of abstinence, but due to my work schedule I will not make it to a meeting today. That sucks, is it totally selfish and egotistical to want that wild cheer because I haven't abused myself with food for a week? I used the phone tool for the first time yesterday with someone other than my sponsor. He had recommended 4 calls a day--one to someone in program longer than me, one with less time, a friend and him. Last night my phone rang and it was someone from OA! We chatted for about 20 minutes and I am SO grateful that she called me. I hit a meeting right after and left feeling really good. After the meeting i called a few other people whose numbers I took from we care books, but got 2 machines before I got a person. At first she seemed a touch uncomfortable with my call. We don't know eachother at all other than the 2 sentence exchange we had nearly 3 weeks ago when I took her number. But she quickly recalled me and after some fits and starts, we talked for about half an hour. Yay! I think it is really important to hear the different ways that people have experienced OA and their path to recovery. Are my three minutes up yet? Thanks and my favorite thing to hear at meetings is that little bit after the serenity prayer..."Keep coming back, it works if you work it, so bring a lot of love and don't pick up you're worth it."

Four days abstinent. Random thing...at every meeting when they ask for a timekeeper, I always want to volunteer. I think of myself as that sort of helpful/leader type person, however I never do because I'm petrified that I will fuck up. Last night the woman next to me was keeping time, she got up to go to the bathroom and just handed me the watch. She was gone for 10 minutes! I timed 3 people, everything worked out fine, but I was REALLY relieved when she returned. She was only back for 5 minutes when she shared and passed the clock off to me again! I nearly panicked. Of course it worked out. I'm not a moron. I am however, obviously deeply disturbed.

The vacation itself was wonderful. Two bad things did happen, my grandfather passed away and I got a severe sunburn when I fell asleep on the beach our last afternoon. I'm really OK with my grandfather passing. He was 95 years old. Not that anyone can or should say how much living any other person deserves, but he did plenty. After nine days of abstinence, I ate compulsively in the shiva house and can now only claim 2 days.

C and I saw 2000 Maniacs today and the rest of the weekend includes plans for Pink Flamingos, Rebel Without A Cause, Contempt and She-Devils on Wheels. Sorry, I still seem to be in chronicling mode rather than reflective. Soon enough you damn voyeurs!

Bad bad blogger. nearly 2 months this time. Please ignore the previous rant. C had the date wrong, we did in fact get to see an advance screening of the Hulk and it sucked. As I ran around saying in the days that followed, "Bad CGI makes me angry...." The big news, are you ready? I joined OA last Saturday. For those who are not 12 step fluent, that's Overeaters Anonymous. Yep, that's right, my name is Sela and I am a compulsive overeater. I've commited to myself that I will do 90 meetings in 90 days and see where I am. I've been going to meetings for 5 days and I've been abstinent (that means eating according to my food plan) for 3. I got an interim sponsor at my first meeting and he seems terrific. I feel good, the meetings completely vary, as far as content and there are ones I like tremendously (no pun intended) and at least one that I will never go back to. Regardless, they are inspiring. I feel so text book about the whole thing. My mother totally fucked up my relationship with food, I've been on diets since I was 9, I'll eat really healthy and well in front of people and completely binge behind closed doors. I've met a few really supportive people that I feel I can trust and overall, so far, it is a great experience.

That being the big news, here is the big excitement: Snee and I are going away for the weekend! Complete luxury and pampering on the Jersey Shore. We are staying at the Grenville in Bay Head and getting the "A Day At The Sea" package over at the Sea Spa and Salon at The White Sands. I would have chosen to stay there, but they have a three night minimum, and we do not have that kind of time. The B&B that we are staying at is right by the beach and a short walk to the spa. I am completely psyched! I'm slightly concered about the OA thing and being away, she can and will eat anything she wants and I am typically very bad when I am with her, but I feel strong and I've looked up meeting info out there and I think I can make it.

Besides seeing all those damn Asian flicks this week, I also got fucked out of a free advance screening of the HULK. I was a very cranky girl. We discovered an hour before the show that C had accidentally deleted the email that disclosed the secret location. We rode the motorcycle all over town with me dashing into over a dozen theaters to ask "Hey, are you doing a super-secret, AMMI members only screening of The HULK?" They all said no.

Fifteen minutes after the movie was scheduled to start, we gave up and as we cruised through Times Square I asked C if we could go to an arcade. He said he thought they had all been closed down and I whined in my head about how 42nd Street was so damn wholesome I couldn't even play graphic violent VIDEO GAMES! But then...he parked the bike by Port Authority because just outside the bowling alley there are still VIDEO GAMES! We did NOT play Dance Dance Revolution, but I did play a boxing game where you put on these huge rubber mitts and supposedly it tracks your ducking and blocking and you actually make punching movements to score. I knocked my guy out, but my heart was beating so fast after one round, I gave up the gloves to C. I promise I'm done babbling, but one of the BEST parts of this week is that I got a digital camera!!! Nikon coolpix 2500. I love it! here is a shot of someone playing that boxing game:

Movie Overdose? Never!

In the midst of attending Asian Films Are GO!2003 C and I are also managing to attend some of the Czech Horror fest at
AMMI and last night we hit Sunshine's midnight show of
The Apple. A disco-opera from 1980 envisioning 1994, it was a complete box-office bomb...this tidbit from stinkers says it all:

When this awful film played at the Paramount Theater (now the El Capitan) in Hollywood for one week in November 1980, the film's distributor, Cannon Films, offered souvenir soundtrack records to moviegoers on their way in (albums to the first 100 and 45 RPM singles to the next 1,000). After the first showing ushers had to stop giving the records out because the few customers that paid to see this disaster started throwing their 12" vinyl LPs at the movie screen and around the theater like Frisbees during the film. No rips in the screen, thank goodness, just big dents.

However, we loved it.

This past week I watched the following films (in reverse chronological order):

THE APPLE

RESURRECTION OF THE LITTLE MATCH GIRL (124 minutes)

THE PHONE (102 minutes)

BOUNCE KO GALS (109 minutes)


VERSUS (119 minutes)


DOUBLE VISION (110 minutes)


COMPANY (155 minutes)

RUNAWAY PISTOL (84 minutes)


BREAK OUT (105 minutes)

SO CLOSE (111 minutes)

TOO YOUNG TO DIE (67 minutes)


THE MATRIX (not reloaded)

AUDITION

HAPPINESS OF THE KATAKURIS

THE PIED PIPER 1986, 55 mins. Directed by Jirí Bárta.

THE PIT ,THE PENDULUM ,AND HOPE 1983, 15 mins. Jan Svankmajer.

THE EAR 1970, 94 mins. Directed by Karel Kachyna.





Still to come:

ICHI THE KILLER (124 minutes)
PING PONG (114 minutes)

So, my boyfriend and I continue to cheat on our couples therapist with our other couples therapist. Yes, we have two and yes, we see both of them weekly and no, neither of them know about the other. They serve entirely different purposes. Or, rather they meet different needs toward the same purpose. She is very focused on the practicalities of living and working together and gives us homework assignments like be honest every time I smoke or clean the cat litter every day. He tends to be more analytical and focus on the why rather than the how of us being together.

I continue to sabotage this attempt to fix/figure out/resolve/improve our relationship by managing to forget to take my antidepressants for a week and subjecting my loved one to severe mood swings and general abuse. I love him, so you would think this wouldn't be so damn hard, right?

We continue to see more movies weekly than any other people I've ever met. This week we put our Pioneer membership to good use and saw Willard (which disappeared from the regular movie theaters less than 3 weeks after its release) as well as Shark Skin Man and Peach Hip Girl, which met his needs as foreign, preferably japanese with much violence and mine for gangster slickness, even though we both know it was a Tarrantino rip off. I also saw my first Hitchcock films ever over at AMMI a few weeks ago. For the record they were 39 steps and North by Northwest.