Kinky & Lonely on craigslist

I am not the craigslist missed connections junkie that I used to be, but I do still check it out every now and again. Particularly of course when I've spotted and smiled at a cutie on my travels. Tonight I checked it out of boredom. I'm out in the Hamptons and there really isn't a lot to do on a Thursday evening out here. Imagine my major amusement at a posting about last night's party at opaline! Of course the silly guy was waaaaay too vague:

Mistress Evita's Party - m4w

Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/66321301.html
Posted by: anon-66321301@craigslist.org
Posted on: 2005-03-31, 2:00PM

You sexy, wearing leather and latex, stockings and great boots. me, hot, dark hair, all in leather, with needing to submit look in eyes....

Um hello? I was enforcing the dresscode, EVERYONE was wearing leather & latex!!!! Furthering the concept that kinky people are lonely too, I came across this one too:

prisoner/warden roleplay

Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/66154666.html
Posted by: anon-66154666@craigslist.org
Posted on: 2005-03-30, 1:33PM

Hey--I worked briefly as a dom and I had a hot warden/prisoner session in Mid-town with a young, handsome brunette who said he lived in the area. At the time I was a platinum blond, busty, wearing a leather dress. I am no longer working there, however, I have an interest in the scene, and I thought we had a decent connection and a good rapport. If this posting finds you--doubtful, I'm sure--and you don't find this extremely unprofessional of me--please drop me a line. At the very least, I'd like to have a friend or two on the scene--;)

Inappropriate...Am I wrong?

I was once again the Rubbercat Door Cunt last night, however this was the first time that I was actually in a bitchy mood. While I typically think of myself as a people person, every now and again I find myself just hating everyone. Strict dress code actually means strict dress code. OK fine, not everyone owns fetish gear and I can live with that, but how terribly difficult is it to rustle up all black? My stock response to people wearing blue jeans is that they want to come in, they can take them off and last night over a dozen people did. That was quite amusing.

There was one incident last night of an entirely personal nature that utterly bewildered me. My ex and I had arranged for him to drop by to pick up a CD from me. He did, we chatted for a bit and engaged in the now typical, bizarrely comfortable banter. On one hand it makes sense, we were together and best friends for so long and know each other so well. But of course in some ways things are still very awkward between us, it has only been six months since I left him. The prearranged visit was not problematic. However his return with his 19-year-old gf, who was a member of our staff and still works at the shop is what disconcerted me. Somewhere is the depths of the shop they dug up a silver bustier/zip up corset and matching zip-crotch pants. And decided for reasons not even vaguely understood by me to bring her over to show me. Their pretext was something along the lines of that they dressed her up to use the bathroom at Opaline. Whatever. The top was on backwards. They thought that the zippers should match up, but there were cups for her nonexistent breasts bagging a bit against her back. Am I wrong in thinking that this was inappropriate? I know a priori that it was his idea. She was just his little dress-up toy. What the fuck was he thinking? Oooooh she can wear fetishy stuff too? Somehow it is this foolishness that hurts me. Is it because I have not yet found someone to hatch ridiculous plans with?

My First Session...

There is a post currently over on maxfisch asking "How old were you during your first session?" I related this story to someone recently and think that perhaps it is worth telling here. I've been a pro-domme since I was 19, but my first paid session happened when I was only 9. My best friend and I did all the experimentation that prepubescent girls do when the parents are asleep and the bedroom door is closed. However our play was definitely colored by the porn stashes we had read. We acted out the stories in Forum Letters and Cheri but being the intelligent creative creatures that we were, eventually we made up our own scenarios. The one I recall most vividly contained sensation play that I think I could be proud of as a pro, much less as a nine-year-old child. I had tied her spread eagled and face up on her (of course!) canopied four poster bed using our tights. I had sucked, tweaked and pinched her nipples, and no I can not tell you how she hid the black and blues from her mother or how she explained them if they were discovered. I was toying with her and alternating between hot and cold play using ice cubes and a blowdryer on its highest setting. I recall running the blowdryer slowly along the inside of her thighs and under her breasts. Moving it so slowly that the heat could have actually burned her. Then without warning dragging an icecube across those same parts. The true defining moment of this encounter was when I placed an ice cube directly on her clit and left it there to melt. She had not yet come though I had brought her very close several times. For reasons I can not recall, I was suddenly bored of our game and told her that I was done and didn't want to play any longer that day. She begged and pleaded with me not to stop, to just finish her off. I think that may have been the first time I heard the anguish of naked need in another's voice. I was already leaning over to begin untying her when she offered me her allowance. For the rest of the month, if only I would finish what I had begun. I did. And I collected.

no time, interest or energy

Truth be told, I do not have the time, interest or energy required to remove the over 50 duplicates of my last post. I may have a slave take care of it for me eventually, but for now, they stand. Other than working out somewhat religiously, watching crap movies and having tremendous amounts of sex, there's nothing really happening in my life right now. I have not been in session in over a week. My day job is keeping me relatively busy and in pursuit of avoiding my apt, my nights have been very social. I am however, inexplicably restless. I need some new stimulus. I did score a beautiful pair of lace-up thigh high leather boots at an obscenely low price. I'll be shooting pix in them soon.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Cell Phone Hell

I am formally in cell phone hell. I just got a new phone less than a month ago, but the reception on it has steadily declined in that time. I receive upwards of 40 calls each day. Sometimes, it never even rings (that I hear anyway) but suddenly I have 5 new voicemails. I can not resist picking up when it does actually ring through, but no one can hear me anyway so it is a ridiculous exercise in playing out that cell phone commercial, "Can you hear me now?" VERY frustrating. So if you are one of the poor people who has been subject to this nonconsensual torture, I do apologize. Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm feeling sorta withdrawn.

Ethics.

I once wrote a five page paper on giving up my seat on a bus. I wrote about motivation versus action. Whether it was sheer good upbringing/training or a genuine impulse. Truth is, I know it doesn't really matter why I did it, just that I did. This afternoon I found a shopping bag in a cab. There was a bunch of random crap in it, but of note are the two diamond tennis bracelets and the prescription bottle of medication. The woman's phone number was on the bottle. I called, told her that I'd found her bag with the bottle in it. She immediately asked about the bracelets. I said they were still there as well. The theiving, coniving part of my brain is shocked that I was immediately ready to return these items to their rightful owner. Isn't possession ninetenths of the law? Shouldn't there be consequences for people so careless as to leave such valuable items behind? But I guess it is all karmic deposits. You know, hoping one day that whatever good I put out into the world makes its way back to me...

A Rant or A Whinge?

I spent so much of my life working until I had enough money to travel
and then ditching everything for a month or three, coming back and
doing it all over again. I WANT TO SEE PLACES I HAVE NOT SEEN BEFORE!
I am fiending to explore, but I can't seem to get everything in place
to get out of town for a bit. Maybe that is the secret, nothing was
really in place when I took off before; I can't tell you how many
times my electricity has been shut off while I was out of town.

Today has been all about playing with trains. The boy stayed home
from school & we built an insanely elaborate track that streched
across the playroom floor with many curves and loops over itself. How cool is it that I get paid to play like a little kid?

However on a not truly related topic but tangential, what is up with ageplay lately? Two men that I have slept with
recently have asked me to pretend to be their daughter. Thankfully
neither of them are old enough to have actually fathered me, they were
both in their thirties. Why me? I do not have that pubescent lolita
look. I passed for 21 when I was 11. Both of them were amazed at how
good I was at it. Um hello?!? A- I do roleplay professionally, B-I
spend quite a bit of time with children. Truth be told this is not my
scene. In fact as well as I play this role, I am not entirely
comfortable there. Pedophilia freaks me out.

So why agree to it you might ask? Well, if I've chosen to spend time
with someone in bed, I tend to want to make them happy. Contrarian
that I am, I can also be an incredibly selfish lover, but when I'm
feeling generous, I will entertain almost any fantasy.

"All I wanted in the end was world domination and a whole lot of money to spend"

Friday morning I wrote a nice long meandering post about Thursday night's New Model Army show at Southpaw out in Park Slope, Brooklyn. I wrote about being four or five guinnesses in before the band hit the stage, feeling as close to being 15 as I had in about 15 years and dancing the whole time. Due to technical difficulties, it seems that post never actually made it onto my blog and is now gone forever.

That show was good enough to inspire me to trek out alone to Hoboken, NJ the next night to see them again. I arrived to find the show sold out. I never actually got to buy a ticket, but I hung out for awhile enjoying the fact that smoking was permitted in the bar and let british boys buy beer for me. By the start of the third song it became clear that they were not going to sell tickets to the seven of us hanging around. I sought out the manager of the club, had a brief chat and found myself escorted in as his guest. I kissed him with sincere gratitude and made my way through the crowd toward an acquaintence. Sometimes being me is fucking awesome. I watched the show from the edge of the pit and loved them again.

Saturday afternoon was spent on personal maintainence. I went to the gym and then went to see Rosa. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this previously, but I am now a total convert to and devotee of the brazilian bikini wax. Several of my friends recommended not just this salon, but this woman in particular and so she chats with me about my friends while she contorts my legs and removes every last pubic hair. It is kind of funny to think that this random woman knows the appearance of my friend's crotches and does she ask them how I am while she is waxing them?

his email response to last night....

Dear Mistress Octavia:

Let me introduce myself.  My name is Joel Cacace, acting boss of the Colombo Family.

Last night the Feds dropped by my house with a videotape showing you torturing and icing our enforcer, Tony.  We had been so proud of him when he stood up to 6 days of interrogation by the Feds, but you broke him in less than 15 minutes!  When he fingered the entire administration of the Family in that busted drug operation, he became a problem, so you did us a favor by clipping the rat.   

The Feds can’t use that tape in court, but they wanted to let us know they are wise to us.  So we’re getting out of the drug business for a while.  No big deal – there are plenty of other lucrative rackets.

I gotta admit that when you said on the tape that you wanted to take Tony’s place and join us as the first made woman in a mob family, I laughed pretty hard.  I’ve always believed like Tony that broads are for cooking and cleaning and having kids.  Then I saw the rest of the tape, and I stopped laughing and started thinking. 

You see, with Tony gone, the books are opened, and we need a new enforcer.  Ten years ago we would have never considered making a broad that ain’t even Italian.  But times are changing, and we gotta change too.  If we got an enforcer that can humiliate and torture a guy before she pops him, word will get around, and there’s gonna be a lot less associates and wiseguys causing problems for us.  Plus we got a secret weapon with a lotta muscle if we ever hit the mattresses with another family.

So I flew out to California to visit the boss, Carmine Persico, who is in the joint at Lompoc.  I always check with him before making a major move like this.  I made the case, and he agreed with me.  So we are proposing to make you a generous offer.  You come on board as a made woman and chief enforcer, with your dungeon and all your little toys and electrical gizmos, and we cut you in on 5 percent of the take from our operations, tax-free.  Since we move at least 200 mil a year, we are talking serious money here.  Plus you get free medical coverage, 4 weeks paid vacation, and all the untraceable pieces you want.

We ask only three things.  First, that you take the vow of silence – the omertà – like all of us.  Second, that you develop a glitzy website for the Family.  And third, that you promise not to teach our wives and girlfriends the stuff you do.  I’m serious about that.  If they ever learn to use your tools and techniques, our way of life would end.

If you are interested in our offer, please send your resume, a urine sample, and 3 color photos, preferably including your magnificent cleavage, to:


            Human Resources Department
            Colombo Crime Famil
            P.O. Box 9999
            Brooklyn, NY 11214


HR will get in touch with you after a routine background check.


Sincerely,


 


Joel Cacace

I forget how much of sadist I really am

The "guilty pleasures" playlist on my itunes continues to grow. The latest addition is that 50 Cent song that I know immediately revokes my indie rocker, punk and goth membership cards simultaneously. Can I get redeemed by how utterly psyched I am to see NEW MODEL ARMY tonight?

I chose the mafia scenario for last night's session with jimmybob. He was impressed by how I had taken his sketch and made it my own: a-I told Mistress Denise was not available, but that she had asked me, Octavia to take her place, b-I told him I could give fuck all about the feds, I was a fan and had followed his career for some time now, c-what I really wanted was to be the first made woman, that he would be both my first family kill and his position was the one I would take. He was wonderful. Not only was our roleplay phenomenal as always, but I really tortured him. He took much more pain than I ever imagined he would based on our previous play. I actually unintentionally went past a predefined limit of his by drawing blood from his left nipple. He handled it remarkably well. I liked his reactions to the metal clamps I placed everywhere, especially when I twisted and flicked them. But his writhing while I used the violet wand was sublime. He had never encountered one before and while I've given many men their first taste of electric play and they are always surprised when I put on the body attatchment and can shock them with my direct touch, he really reacted and took the stimulus beautifully.

I know a masochist who has not played in some time, he recently said to me that he missed it and really wanted to be hurt. Every now and again I forget how much of sadist I really am and how much I love to give that pain. Do you know it? That incredible space where I know that the bottom is suffering, is in real pain and accepts this for me. It is probably ironic that I rarely play on my own time. If I enjoy it so much, why not just accept a personal sub and take his ass to town? Complex my friends, very fucking complex.

rambles

I spend as little time in my apartment as possible. I hate coming home. The presence of my ex in my home is entirely palpable, in the form of ceiling high stacks and piles of the residue of his obsessive compulsive collecting and trash picking. I do not think most people can even comprehend the state of my apt. Beyond the thousands of CDs, LPs, videos, books and dvds, is the stuff. You know those things that he found on the street or in flea markets that, at the time, I understood how cool they were. Exhibit A-a fare box from a bus before they took metrocards, B-a four foot by two foot unisex hair salon sign that used to light up, C-the partidge family style suitcase. But then there are the things I never understood in the first place, like the bag of beepers or the broken plaster statue. It is nearly six months since I left him and at least twice a week people ask me if Craig has gotten his shit out of my apt yet. I don't think anyone gets why I haven't just put it all out on the street yet. Besides the fact that even doing something seemingly as simple as that, would take close to two weeks straight, I'm clinging to the idea that we can still be friends. While walking out on him may have hurt him deeply and angered him, throwing out his stuff would be an irrevocable act of war. I keep maintaining that I am just not that much of a cunt...yet.

I've been wandering the streets, not quite aimlessly, but taking these long, long walks. Yesterday I walked from soho to park slope. I had wanted to see Joint Security Area over at BAM (which didn't happen as they were missing a reel) and when I was about to descend the subway steps, I just didn't want to go underground. I thought about catching a cab, picked up some chinese food and found myself at Canal & Bowery. There was still about an hour and a half before the movie started and so I just decided to walk across the Manhattan Bridge. I have great high school memories of eating chinese food halfway across that bridge at 5am. They must have changed the walkways or I was on the wrong one, because we used to actually be sitting above the cars and I was always amused at what people must have thought as lo mein noodles hit their windsheild. This time I was along the southern edge, level with the trains as they blew past. I stopped at what I think was the halfway point and stared at the water for awhile. Please note: I AM NOT SUICIDAL. Do not misunderstand the following statements, entertaining a fleeting thought and taking an action are two entirely different things. It struck me that the fence on the walkway was not very high and if I were to climb it and jump that in all probability I would be dead within ten minutes. I would entirely cease to exist. This would be no tentative wrist cutting cry for help, I would certainly die, if not on the way down, or more likely at the moment of impact, there was just no possibility of rescue. The bridge walkway was deserted, no one would even know I had done it. I did not fantasize a graceful swandive. I knew it would be a bumbling, screaming tumble.

"Fellas, I'm ready to get up and do my thing"

Yesterday was a very good day. Not only did I have a really good and satisfying workout, The Trainer did something entirely new. He laced me up in a pair of boxing gloves! I had told him how cranky I was at a particular person and the gist of why and he said, "I think you need to be hitting something today." jab, cross, hook. Brand new vocabulary along with body movements. I fucking loved it!

Picked the kids up from school today and while trying to engineer my plans for the evening, ended up on speakerphone in the car with a colleague of a friend. She exclaimed, "Oh Shit!" regarding somthing or other and the girl piped up from the back seat, "The next time you see that girl, you've got to get a dollar from her, you know...the swear jar." Some people might find that obnoxious, not me, I think it was fucking adorable. Those kids are so awesome. I told the chick on the phone not to worry about it, I'd cover her.

I continue having the best non-dates with those pesky platonic males in my life. We began with Get Up! (Gerropa) a ridiculously hysterical flick about a yakuza boss about to go to prison with two heart's desires: anything related to James Brown and to find his daughter whom he hasn't seen in 25 years. I was psyched about the premise: yakuza attempt to kidnap James Brown, and hoped it would be funny. It was more like fucking hysterical. I then got to introduce my friend to an essential NY pleasure: the frozzzzen hot chocolate at Serendipity. Diner food breakfast at night, another favorite along with a bar that you can smoke at as long as you can handle the HORRIBLE pop rap in the background.

I feel confident that I will eventually find boys to accompany me on these great nights who actually lust after me. Why is my life so compartmentalized? It isn't like there is a lack of men to fuck me when I'm looking for that, but why do they have such crappy taste in movies? Why do the guys that I can have 5 hours of amusing conversation with not want to fuck me?

If You Can Find Them, Maybe You Can Hire The A-Team

I love The A-Team. The theme has been my ringtone for years (and when I got a new phone last week I immediately downloaded it, even though it isn't as well done as the last version I had). People comment on it all the time. I was both excited and scared when I read today that there is going to be a movie!!! And very amused at the following prank played via LA's craigslist. Call me a bad blogger, I don't care, I found it on boingboing who found it elsewhere. Speaking (typing?) about remake flicks, I still have not received any invites to an advance screening of Sin City...

Gymrat Freak and a Confidence Booster (as if I needed one!)

At the risk of being labled a gymrat freak, I've gotta boast. Not that I would have had a clue what this meant two months ago, so if you don't, bear with me & just know I'm all kinds of proud of myself. I dead lifted 135 lbs from the floor for three sets of eight reps. This is a major development. When I started with The Trainer, I couldn't even do squats without the aid of a chair. Got informed today that I belong to the "kool kids gym." That's funny. Ironic too is that this morning I posted about basically being fat, though perhaps I was misunderstood because I received a very sweet email containing the following:

Let’s start with those “euphemistic fat chick” words tossed around so callously by relatives and acquaintances. Have they really thought about those words?

· Zaftig: This Yiddish word comes from the German “saftig”, which means juicy, lush, succulent. Puts a whole new spin on it, doesn’t it?

· Rubenesque: If nothing else, this word should remind us that standards of beauty change over time and across societies. BTW, have you seen the nudes of Rubens, Titian, and others? They’re gorgeous!

· Amazonian: The mythological Amazons could not have been powerful warriors if they had been anorexic or bulimic. Kate Moss would have been laughed out of their camp. But neither could they have been overweight and out of shape.

But, you might say, when people use those words, they actually mean “fat chick”. Well, if they are going to distort history, language, and logic, screw them!

You may have been overweight some of your life, but losing 60 pounds is a monumental achievement about which you should feel extremely proud. Add to that what you have accomplished at the gym, and you are no longer just a “big girl” – you are a goddess! Lots of guys – including me - think that a muscular woman is sexy and irresistible (in more ways than one). It takes no “willing suspension of disbelief” to see you as a dominating force worthy of awe, respect, and obedience.

And we haven’t even gotten to that stunning face, or that wicked imagination.

I’m not trying to encourage you to be arrogant, but confidence and pride would be very appropriate.

Do I have the best clients or what?!?! I definitely wasn't whinging about my weight this morning. If anything I've been feeling very fucking sexy lately.

That Whole BBW Thing

Trolling fleshbot this morning I found their write up on Aida Lott's site & blog.

It can’t be easy being an amateur belly model when you find yourself constantly having to respond to people who think you’re too big … not to mention certain BBW admirers who think you aren’t big enough: “There are fans of mine who whine, complain, and nag me about gaining more weight. Some think I should weigh 200 pounds, while others want me to get even bigger.”

Basically she is a recovering anorexic now catering to chubby belly fetishists. I guess along the way she did the gainer thing. I first heard of gainers (gaining weight as a fetish) via Devon writing about his biggest fan.

I assure you I have never been a gainer. However I'm always bewildered by the Big Beautiful Woman thing. I've always been full-figured, voluptuous, busty (38C by age 11), (oh wait I left out all those euphemistic fat chick phrases that I've been told I actually represent, like zaftig, rubenesque & amazonian) chubby really, I suppose and though I was informed by my pediatrician that I was clinically obese at age 10, I've pretty much somehow managed to be proportionate. I am just a big girl.

SO the BBW thing. Clients who are really into BBW chicks, find my legs & ass to be way too toned. Guys seeking a Maxim model will obviously find my curves way beyond their desires. So my marketability thus suffers, too fat for some, not fat enough for others.

Forget six degrees of separation...

New York is a small and incestuous town. How many partners do you need to have in common with someone before you feel something weird is going on? I've had "my life echoes your life" parallels before, but never with someone else's sex life...

The Email Was Entitled "These Rules Begin Today"

One of my very close friends is a phone sex girl. Though she is not a pro-domme some of her clients have requested domination. I'd love to take credit for her tutelage, but in truth she is a super smart, sexy & creative gal all on her own. She has consulted me here and there for technical correctness, but for the most part the tortures and services she has devised are entirely her own. Her particular favorite slave has already gained several serving privileges that really amuse me. He is responsible for a monthly spa gift certificate to cover her brazilian waxing expenses and he is permitted to wash her dirty laundry and pays a premium price per item for this privilege. She forwarded me the following email for my perusal and I cannot resist sharing it with you. I am deeply amused by the completeness of it.

RULES 1. Your cock is never to be touched by you while we are on the phone without permission being granted from me. I enjoy hearing you beg for this privilege. Never will you cum without asking permission before.

2. When sending items to me- care is to be taken. All items being sent directly from you, should be wrapped in tissue or paper and include a card. Also an extra little gift would be appreciated. I want you to begin to think creatively. This is not about how much money you spend on me, rather it is about how much you are thinking about my needs and desires. All laundry is to be sent back within 48hrs and I will be checking the dates on the postage. If you fail to do this you will pay a penalty of 3x the cost per item.

3. All emails I send you should be followed by a response of some sort from you. Once we work out the phone issues we can talk about these parameters. If I bother to write you I am sure it is worthy of the response.

4. Since we have now set up a way for you to take care of my pussy and my body- I will expect you to purchase a spa gift certificate at least once a month. You can surprise me and check out other places. I will expect these certificates to come once a month by the 30th.

5. woolite is fine for now. Eventually you should purchase the tocca detergent (I sent you the link- check it out.)

6. What I find fun about this sort of ass kissing relationship is your loyalty, originality and creativity. This for me is not about you showering me with gifts but about your devotion. My expectation of you is to always have me on your mind. When you fill your car up, you're to be thinking of little gifts to shower me with to show me you were thinking of me- go to the deli at the gas station and buy me a stupid little toy or a gas gift certificate. I want to know you are thinking of me and my needs...

7. You being punctual is important to me. If you are for any reason held up when we are supposed to talk just email me or call and say you can't talk. I understand things come up but I do not want to be waiting for you if anything you should be waiting for me. We can work out the punishment for this offense together.

8. You are never to address me as just A. I do not care which title you prefer but acceptable to me are- goddess, princess and mistress.

SHOPPING ITEMS/ GENERAL INFO/ WAYS TO PAMPER ME: A GUIDE FOR YOU SLAVE BOY: I love all shoes, especially heels and boots. Usually I am a 9.5 but if it has a pointy toe (which is my preferred shoe style) I would be a 10.

favorite colors- red, black and pink

my favorite department stores are jeffery's new york, nordstrom's, urban outfitter's and barney's

deodorant- degree sport scent

tampons- kotex plastic applicator never scented

tooth paste- any cavity fighting brand

razors- the lady venus

candles- diptique is my preferred brand but I do also like anything fig/ lavender scented items. I do not like any fruity smells.

cooking- I love anything from william sonoma, dean and deluca and any cookbooks.

jewelry- I only wear silver/platinum with the exception of a ring or some amazing earrings

manicures- once a week

pedicures- every two weeks

brazilian bikini wax (i.e, pussy waxing)- about every three weeks to a month

body treatments- I love massages, reflexology and body wraps

board games- I love them all and card games

movies- anything cheezy 80's, cult classics and documentaries

candy- any white chocolate or truffles

moisturizer, body wash, lotions, creams and scrubs, etc.- anything by kiehls, jurlique, or laura mercier

shampoo- phyto

conditioner- pantene or phyto

clothing- size medium but keep in mind my boobs- so if it is small around the bust a large is needed- I love anything cashmere or leather.

linens and towels- I love new sheets, comforters, quilts and towels- high thread count is important and I prefer them always to be white

lipstick- in general I wear mac viva glam red, kiehls gloss assorted colors, or tarte brand gloss

tweezers- tweezerman

mascara- chanel black

flowers- amaryllis's, hyacinths, paper whites, orchids and peonies are my favorites

books- I love to read really anything but sci-fi or comics. I am trying to build myself a collection of books about dominant women and fetish fashion. I also love coffee table books about art/ photography.

stockings- any fishnets or vintage style usually I wear a large because of my height- if a medium goes up to 5'8" I can wear a medium

everyday panties- in general since I run/workout everyday, I usually wear victoria secret's cotton bikini style panties in black or white size medium

my favorite lingerie brands- aubade and agent provocateur. I wear a 36D or 36DD (depending on the time of the month.) I especially love very girly items, I love all styles of panties and bras.