I have cried about food so many times in the last week. This weekend was particularly fraught with moments. On Saturday I ate brunch with my sponsor in the West Village and met C at Old Devil Moon afterward, where he was eating our typical fisherman's breakfast. I had just eaten less than three hours prior. I was not hungry. However, sitting in a restaurant, not eating and watching C's biscuit ritual proved to be more than I could handle calmly. Each spoonful of peach preserves that he spread across the biscuit bothered me more. The craving and desire for that food was so intense that I started to shake. I actually had to get up and walk out of the restaurant. I felt insane. It was a fucking biscuit with peach preserves. So I sat outside and was about to make some OA calls so I could share my insanity, but then the shop called my phone and I had to bring it in to C. I went back out and looked at my meeting list and planned out which ones I would go to this week. That was enough. I didn't go to the bakery across the street, but mind you I was well aware it was there.


Today I have seven days of abstinence, but due to my work schedule I will not make it to a meeting today. That sucks, is it totally selfish and egotistical to want that wild cheer because I haven't abused myself with food for a week? I used the phone tool for the first time yesterday with someone other than my sponsor. He had recommended 4 calls a day--one to someone in program longer than me, one with less time, a friend and him. Last night my phone rang and it was someone from OA! We chatted for about 20 minutes and I am SO grateful that she called me. I hit a meeting right after and left feeling really good. After the meeting i called a few other people whose numbers I took from we care books, but got 2 machines before I got a person. At first she seemed a touch uncomfortable with my call. We don't know eachother at all other than the 2 sentence exchange we had nearly 3 weeks ago when I took her number. But she quickly recalled me and after some fits and starts, we talked for about half an hour. Yay! I think it is really important to hear the different ways that people have experienced OA and their path to recovery. Are my three minutes up yet? Thanks and my favorite thing to hear at meetings is that little bit after the serenity prayer..."Keep coming back, it works if you work it, so bring a lot of love and don't pick up you're worth it."


Four days abstinent. Random every meeting when they ask for a timekeeper, I always want to volunteer. I think of myself as that sort of helpful/leader type person, however I never do because I'm petrified that I will fuck up. Last night the woman next to me was keeping time, she got up to go to the bathroom and just handed me the watch. She was gone for 10 minutes! I timed 3 people, everything worked out fine, but I was REALLY relieved when she returned. She was only back for 5 minutes when she shared and passed the clock off to me again! I nearly panicked. Of course it worked out. I'm not a moron. I am however, obviously deeply disturbed.


The vacation itself was wonderful. Two bad things did happen, my grandfather passed away and I got a severe sunburn when I fell asleep on the beach our last afternoon. I'm really OK with my grandfather passing. He was 95 years old. Not that anyone can or should say how much living any other person deserves, but he did plenty. After nine days of abstinence, I ate compulsively in the shiva house and can now only claim 2 days.

C and I saw 2000 Maniacs today and the rest of the weekend includes plans for Pink Flamingos, Rebel Without A Cause, Contempt and She-Devils on Wheels. Sorry, I still seem to be in chronicling mode rather than reflective. Soon enough you damn voyeurs!


Bad bad blogger. nearly 2 months this time. Please ignore the previous rant. C had the date wrong, we did in fact get to see an advance screening of the Hulk and it sucked. As I ran around saying in the days that followed, "Bad CGI makes me angry...." The big news, are you ready? I joined OA last Saturday. For those who are not 12 step fluent, that's Overeaters Anonymous. Yep, that's right, my name is Sela and I am a compulsive overeater. I've commited to myself that I will do 90 meetings in 90 days and see where I am. I've been going to meetings for 5 days and I've been abstinent (that means eating according to my food plan) for 3. I got an interim sponsor at my first meeting and he seems terrific. I feel good, the meetings completely vary, as far as content and there are ones I like tremendously (no pun intended) and at least one that I will never go back to. Regardless, they are inspiring. I feel so text book about the whole thing. My mother totally fucked up my relationship with food, I've been on diets since I was 9, I'll eat really healthy and well in front of people and completely binge behind closed doors. I've met a few really supportive people that I feel I can trust and overall, so far, it is a great experience.

That being the big news, here is the big excitement: Snee and I are going away for the weekend! Complete luxury and pampering on the Jersey Shore. We are staying at the Grenville in Bay Head and getting the "A Day At The Sea" package over at the Sea Spa and Salon at The White Sands. I would have chosen to stay there, but they have a three night minimum, and we do not have that kind of time. The B&B that we are staying at is right by the beach and a short walk to the spa. I am completely psyched! I'm slightly concered about the OA thing and being away, she can and will eat anything she wants and I am typically very bad when I am with her, but I feel strong and I've looked up meeting info out there and I think I can make it.