Casual Sex Rules

Now, if I'd only known they were counting on me! I actually had lunch at Balthazar this afternoon and though I would never have noticed, my fashion savvy companion pointed out that we were standing beside Anna Wintour and Diane Von Furstenberg. There was actually a vine/bush covered screen that was disassembled after they left the restaurant.

This morning a friend asked me what the etiquette is regarding a sick Fuck Buddy. Should she bring him soup? Absolutely not! That's his girlfriend's job. I realize this is a topic that I probably know far too much about that perhaps the world at large does not. NYC casual sex definitely has rules. Why don't people know them? What should I call this book of protocol? Keep it simple...perhaps "Friends With Benefits" But I've always hated that term. I'm not friends with my fuckbuddies! Obviously we get along, and I enjoy their company, but they are certainly not who I call when I'm in crisis. "Casual Sex Rules" I kinda like that one. Eh, titles can come later.

Here's a set of five casual sex etiquette rules:
1. The term "booty call" is from the 90's. It's nearly 2006, if you're drunk and horny at 2 am, the proper procedure is to send a text message. This is beneficial on several levels, a-if your fb is asleep (particularly beside their significant other) this is neither obtrusive or offensive, b-your friends beside you in the bar (or the person walking their dog as you stumble home from said bar) don't need to know how horny you are or what you'd like to do to your fb, text messaging is discreet!

2. Birthday and holiday gift exchanges. Again, NO! NO! NO! Kindly keep your fb relationship in perspective. The two of you strictly serve each other's carnal needs. Is there any gift that could top that? Fuck Buddies are NSA (no strings attached) soooooo if one of you buys a gift then the other is obligated to reciprocate. How uncomfortable! Why waste valuable foreplay time with unwrapping and niceties of that nature? The breath wasted on your insincere "I love it!" would be much better spent on your lover's earlobe or genitalia.

3. Spending the night. Definitely acceptable. Makes morning sex so much more convenient! Coffee? Morning smoke? Sure! Go ahead, but please don't expect to go for brunch. Now, a One Night Stand is different, breakfast could be a possibility. Who knows? This might be your next significant other. But if the boundaries have already been established and you are not in fact dating, why go through the charade that you are?

4. Ironically, this list has been interrupted by a rule number one. Ok getting back to business. Yes, you can tell your fb precisely how you would like to be done. Sure I understand you might not want to tell a potential life partner about your dirtiest and kinkiest fantasies, there's a fear of personal rejection in that situation. (But then again should you be spending the rest of your life with someone who isn't interested in what you really want?) I digress. Basically your fb is there to get you off, suitable partners for this type of endeavor will be (as you should be) open to instruction and correction. You should not be in bed with someone that you can not talk about sex with.

5. PART ONE: You may continue to date or engage in a serious relationship while employing the services of a Fuck Buddy. In fact, this is encouraged. (Before anyone gives me shit about the conflict of a FB engaging in a serious relationship, I ask you to recall the following things, a-I personally do not believe in monogamy and maintain a complete separation between the physical and the emotional, b-I am not responsible for anyone else's commitments, c-most people cheat) Depending upon the individual FB relationship, your dating or "real relationship" exploits may or may not be discussed. If permitted, however, it is poor etiquette to compare and contrast your partners.

5. PART TWO: It is NOT acceptable to engage a FB with a significant other that you know. This means your best friend's, sibling's, band-mate's and co-worker's boy or girl friend is off limits. One would think this is self evident. But for those of you who might make this grave tactical error, remember, a FB is a casual, strictly sexual based relationship. This situation will lead to emotional behavior resulting in uncomfortable social situations, accusations, basically all the stuff a FB is meant to avoid. Do not confuse being the FB of someone in a "real relationship" with "having an affair." Refrain from emotional investment in your FB at all costs, it will only hurt you. Mistaking lust for love in a FB situation is breaking the rules.