Dear Mistress Octavia:
Let me introduce myself. My name is Joel Cacace, acting boss of the Colombo Family.
Last night the Feds dropped by my house with a videotape showing you torturing and icing our enforcer, Tony. We had been so proud of him when he stood up to 6 days of interrogation by the Feds, but you broke him in less than 15 minutes! When he fingered the entire administration of the Family in that busted drug operation, he became a problem, so you did us a favor by clipping the rat.
The Feds can’t use that tape in court, but they wanted to let us know they are wise to us. So we’re getting out of the drug business for a while. No big deal – there are plenty of other lucrative rackets.
I gotta admit that when you said on the tape that you wanted to take Tony’s place and join us as the first made woman in a mob family, I laughed pretty hard. I’ve always believed like Tony that broads are for cooking and cleaning and having kids. Then I saw the rest of the tape, and I stopped laughing and started thinking.
You see, with Tony gone, the books are opened, and we need a new enforcer. Ten years ago we would have never considered making a broad that ain’t even Italian. But times are changing, and we gotta change too. If we got an enforcer that can humiliate and torture a guy before she pops him, word will get around, and there’s gonna be a lot less associates and wiseguys causing problems for us. Plus we got a secret weapon with a lotta muscle if we ever hit the mattresses with another family.
So I flew out to California to visit the boss, Carmine Persico, who is in the joint at Lompoc. I always check with him before making a major move like this. I made the case, and he agreed with me. So we are proposing to make you a generous offer. You come on board as a made woman and chief enforcer, with your dungeon and all your little toys and electrical gizmos, and we cut you in on 5 percent of the take from our operations, tax-free. Since we move at least 200 mil a year, we are talking serious money here. Plus you get free medical coverage, 4 weeks paid vacation, and all the untraceable pieces you want.
We ask only three things. First, that you take the vow of silence – the omertà – like all of us. Second, that you develop a glitzy website for the Family. And third, that you promise not to teach our wives and girlfriends the stuff you do. I’m serious about that. If they ever learn to use your tools and techniques, our way of life would end.
If you are interested in our offer, please send your resume, a urine sample, and 3 color photos, preferably including your magnificent cleavage, to:
Human Resources Department
Colombo Crime Famil
P.O. Box 9999
Brooklyn, NY 11214
HR will get in touch with you after a routine background check.